Relationships: When Arguing with your Spouse
As most of you already know, I am a psychology major which is one of my passions in life. My focus was Relationship and Marriage Therapy so I was able to learn a lot about the female and male psyche when it comes to relationships. I wanted to share with you some information that I found quite interesting that helps explain both sexes reactions to disagreements/arguments while in a relationship. This may come in handy when you are ready to kill your spouse ;o)
Ladies, have you ever been waiting at home expecting a phone call from your man? Of course, we’ve all been there.
Here’s the scenario I want to use: “Mary has made dinner for her husband who is expected home at 5PM. After waiting 30 minutes past 5PM, she is now frustrated because the food is cold, she has not heard from her husband, and she is now becoming angry. At the point of anger, humans will notice an increased heart rate which in turn will increase your body temperature and the amount of oxygen flowing through your body causing the cerebral hemisphere of the brain to swell. The result of a swollen cerebral cortex (hemisphere) is the separation between the right and left brain hemispheres which can affect your ability to gather your thoughts.
Around 5:45PM, Mary’s husband arrives home carefree and relaxed. He then notices that Mary is quite upset with him. “What’s wrong?” he asks. “You were suppose to be home at 5PM so I had dinner ready which now is cold and no longer good” she states in a stern and irritated way. “I’m sorry” he replies while taking off his jacket and sitting down. “Why didn’t you call?!” she asked. “I said I was sorry, I should have called.” Now the husband begins to feel frustration which results in the swelling of the cerebral hemisphere.
Here’s where it gets interesting… All humans have a “Fight or Flight” instinct in high stress situations. The fight-or-flight response, also known as the acute stress response, refers to a physiological reaction that occurs in the presence of something that is terrifying, either mentally or physically. It can also occur when dealing with a stressful situation or environment. In response to acute stress, the body’s sympathetic nervous system is activated due to the sudden release of hormones. The sympathetic nervous system stimulates the adrenal glands triggering the release of catecholamines, which include adrenaline and noradrenaline. This results in an increase in heart rate, blood pressure and breathing rate. After experiencing this feeling, it takes about 20 to 60 minutes for your body to return to its “pre-arousal” levels. For women, this cool down process not only happens at a slower pace, but it can “relapse” if you will.
After Mary’s husband apologizes, she decides to heat up the dinner and carry on with their evening. The couple sits down and begins eating. While sitting there in silence Mary feels herself start to get angry again and reacts on that feeling. “So why didn’t you call? It is so easy to pick up the phone and just say I’m running late. I would have called you if the tables were turned”. Gentlemen, this is the classic relapse that you all hate to deal with in a relationship. Why can’t she drop it? Why can’t she just get over it? The answer: her body has now relapsed into fight-or-flight which does not allow her to forget, or calm down, or drop it. For women, since this is a slower process, your body can trick your mind into thinking you are still in a stressful situation due to the adrenaline build up in your core. Unfortunately, this confusion between mind and body can have women feeling like they are on an “emotional roller coaster” (and oh how much do you men love this!).
Okay, so now Mary’s husband is frustrated as well and does not want to talk about it anymore, but Mary wants an answer. Ladies, this is where men cannot stay still or they have to get up or cannot gather their thoughts when trying to respond to you. This is the result of the cerebral cortex. Where we as women have a harder time getting rid of the adrenaline release from fight-or flight, men have a hard time reducing the swelling of the cerebral cortex. As women, we are able to quickly reduce this swelling which allows us to stay concentrated on a situation and gather our thoughts. Men however, have difficulty and have an extended length of time before the swelling subsides. So the next time you get frustrated with your man because he gets fidgety or has trouble gathering his thoughts, try to remember that this is not him being insensitive, this is his biological response to the situation.
TIPS: Gentlemen, next time you are in an argument with your spouse, as much as you would like to drop it, talking about it will help the woman get over the anger and the stressful feelings that go throughout their body. Ladies, next time you are trying to have an argument/discussion with your spouse, consider going for a walk to discuss the situation because this will allow the man to relax their body and reduce the swelling in the cerebral cortex allowing him to gather his thoughts and have an effective conversation with you.
Who knew?!
Beckology 